The Mid-Thirties Rut

recent NY Mag article smacked me in the face with its truthiness about professional women in their mid-thirties: “They have always been propelled by their drive. They were the ones who were supposed to run stuff… Now, ‘there’s no vision,’ one woman said to me. ‘Nothing solid,’ said another. Limp, desperate, they fantasize about quitting their good jobs and moving home to Michigan.”

Welcome to the Mid-Thirties Rut. The feeling that your dream of being a “Working Girl” with legions of employees clamoring to execute your next brilliant, multi-million dollar idea before stepping out on the town throwin’ back cosmos with your Samanthas, Charlottes and Mirandas is now adrift in a sea of mundane meetings, empty Chop’t containers, and piles of heels under your desk.

You enter the workforce bursting with energy and possibility. When I was in my 20s, I would spend at least two Saturdays a month in the office working. I would relish in the quiet stillness of an office on a weekend morning. The Friday afternoon bomb had left the office in disarray—papers asunder on desks, chairs hastily pushed back, a computer or two still left on—and I was there the day after to forge the new society with my excellence!

By the time I hit my 30s I was exhausted. I realized that the excitement of building my career was now wrought with responsibility and reality. I wasn’t the high-powered executive with a huge salary and a suited team of go-getters at my every command. I had to fire people. I had to make decisions and sometimes they were wrong. I had to see year over year growth without seeing any year over year growth in my bank account. I had to lead a team of underpaid/overworked without anything of substance to motivate them.

In short: real life came calling.

So, we’ve identified a problem. How can we solve it? In truth, I’m still very much figuring this out myself. But here are some ideas:

  1. Give ourselves a break: Women have a burning desire to be perfect. Perfect moms, perfect daughters, perfect friends, perfect wives, etc. This “perfect” is perfectly unattainable and if perfect is what you’re striving for, you’ll forever be striving. This isn’t to say that we shouldn’t be setting lofty goals for ourselves. But, we’re playing a long game here, and as Tony Robbins says “You overestimate what you can do in a year and underestimate what you can do in five.” So give yourself the same time, patience, understanding you give to your kids, friends, and spouse.
  2. Pivot Mindset: Not to be one of those “my therapist told me” kind of people, but my therapist once told me that I could have a list of all the things I wanted in a spouse but that then, I needed to write the word “enough” before all of the attributes I demanded. This gave me permission to find happiness in “enough” of the things I was looking for in a partner, not ALL. This logic applies to your career as well. Being happy in a “having it all” society means a shift in our priorities about what makes us truly happy. “Enough” money, “enough” influence, “enough” personal freedom, “enough” decision-making power, and so on.
  3. Talk to your girlfriends: The likelihood that your girlfriends are struggling with similar feelings of “stuckness” is very high, despite what their instagram account would tell you. You need to make time for your girlfriends to fill your soul.
  4. Talk to your older girlfriends: Your older girlfriends have been there, done that. They provide an enormous amount of perspective. Some of my closest mentors and work allies are over the age of 50. These women have a delightful way of knocking me out of whatever rut I’m in with a swift kick in the pants.
  5. Look for a New Challenge: Sometimes ruts give us time to get into something new. Create a plan to accomplish some bucket-list items and put them on your calendar to remind yourself of your goals. This doesn’t need to be curing cancer kind of goals, just something new for you. Start a book club, get into a new exercise routine, schedule game nights with your friends, volunteer, etc. Use your rut time wisely, before you know it, a new challenge will present itself and your rut will be in the rearview mirror.
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